Funny and Punny

Puns rely on the humorous use of a word (or phrase) so as to emphasize or suggest its different meanings or applications.
Here, I have divided them into ones that use words that are alike (or nearly alike) in sound but different in spelling and meaning (homophones); and to words that can have two different meanings (homonyms), giving a clever meaning to the sentence.
There are also a few that are pure play on words.
Some say that "puns" are the lowest form of humor. What do you think?

If you hover your mouse over the "punny word," you can see what it is a pun of.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you A-flat minor.
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine.
Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
A backwards poet writes in verse.
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
A doctor fell into the well
And broke his collar bone.
This should teach the doctor to tend the sick
And leave the well alone!

Do you know how to pronounce the different homographs?

Can you read these right the first time?

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce.

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting, I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Got any more great puns? Please send them in and I will add them to this list!

Thanks to the Epstein family who sent many of the above to the ETNI list.